love, kisses, hugs and squeezes

As I sit here this afternoon, while my first born son is taking a nap, I think.  I do this a lot lately.  I think about how different things will be in a week, in 2 weeks, in a day?  Now that I am full-term (37 weeks), he can bless us with his presence at any moment.  Thinking about that makes me excited, anxious, nervous, all the normal pregnant woman thoughts.  I go into our nursery and sit in my rocking chair and wonder about life with two boys.  I take out his newborn size onesies and little socks and sniff them.  That sweet fresh newborn scent.  (I use Dreft, okay people?  It smells amazing!)  Then I remember that I must be able to spread my love between my two lil’ boys and my husband.  As all Momma’s know, your husband usually gets the “leftovers” of your attention, especially with a newborn.  This is hard.  I think I do a good job of spreading my attention between my boys right now, but sometimes guilt is emotion I feel.  I wonder, “Am I doing enough?”  I do the very best I can.

 Some days are what I call “lazy” days, when Kellan and I stay in our PJ’s until lunchtime, Noel and I split a pizza for dinner, and Kellan has a hotdog.  This is fine.  No one really cares.  Noel is happy to have anything warm & tasty for dinner, he is not picky at all, neither is Kellan, so really I can get away with cooking anything for them.  But I like to get artsy-fartsy with our dinners.  For instance, last night I cooked up some fried chicken, fried green tomatoes and homemade mashed potatoes with gravy.  It was delicious.  Both my boys tried the fried green tomatoes (this was a first for all of us), and although none of us really cared for them, we ate what was on our plates.  Thank you babe!

But, back to my pondering and thinking… life is pretty good right now.  I know when Kellan will wake up in the morning, I know our schedule every day, I know what he likes and dislikes, I know pretty much everything about my little dude, and can’t help but wonder, will another little boy affect him?  Will Kellan want me all the time?  Will he be mad at me for not giving him 100% of my attention at all times?  Will he give his baby brother kisses and hugs all day-every day?  Will he understand?  Noel and myself have been doing our best to teach him about babies, we read him “Big Brother” books, we go into the nursery and show Kellan the crib, bassinet, the baby-swing, all the little clothes… and that is all we can pretty much do.  I am sure once he sees his baby brother he will be excited, but how long will that last for?

There are so many questions that I think up, usually when Kellan is napping, because this is my alone time.  I can write, think, read, pack my hospital bag (I need to do this!!) and simply rest and lift my feet up.  I wonder if all second time Momma’s feel this way?  Do we all think these thoughts?  I am sure that everything will play out just perfectly, and as usual I will probably just have to go with the flow.  So as ready as I am to meet this precious little boy, I will be spoiling my first born with love, kisses, hugs and squeezes until that day comes.


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